My mom is an only child. Her parents were the best grandparents to my siblings and me. Some of my most favorite memories of my childhood are with my mom's parents, and I wouldn't trade those for anything.
They lived in Pittsburgh for all of their lives, and only recently (2012) moved to the same city as my parents (I was long out of my parents' house by then) due to my grandpa's health issues. Within months of settling in, my grandma developed lung cancer. She got very weak from chemo/radiation and the removal of half of one of her lungs, and is just now starting to recover fully.
This unfortunately has created some tension between my mom and my grandma. I was unaware of this, but my grandma and my mom have an extraordinarily tumultuous relationship. My grandma was verbally abusive to my mother growing up and continues to be to this day. She also has severe mental problems that have gone unaddressed for a very long time. As a result, my mom has mental health issues of her own: severe depression and anxiety. My mom did a very good job of shielding this other side of my grandmother from her children for a very long time.
It is only recently that my grandmother's mental health has become evident to me and my siblings, most of which comes as a result of my grandparents' move to be closer to our family. She lashes out at my mother in our presence, and puts her in impossible and unfair situations.
One of those situations came, unfortunately, at mother's day this past year. I was at my parents' house for the weekend to celebrate, and my grandparents came over for dinner on that Sunday as well. Everything was fine and we were enjoying ourselves. My parents got a new puppy recently, so there was much happiness (and drinking) to go around.
My grandmother is also an alcoholic and got pretty drunk (off two glasses of wine, mind you) that night. My grandpa can't drive any more, so she was always the one who was going to have to drive home. My dad refused (and I think correctly) to let her drive home, and offered to drive them home, as they only live about 10 minutes away from my parents. That did not go over well with my grandma. She lashed out, one of the worst I've seen. My dad ended up calling her an alcoholic, and my grandma has been unable to forgive him ever since. She refuses to be in my dad's presence anymore. She is extremely skilled at holding grudges.
I'm the oldest of my siblings, and I'm closest to my mom, so she frequently calls me now for advice. She sees her parents every day to help out with groceries, medications, and miscellaneous matters around the house, and it's gotten to the point now where she dreads it, because of the abuse she frequently takes when she goes over there.
Recently my grandma told my mom that "she and the kids" can come over on Thanksgiving. No mention of my dad, and it's because of Mother's day still. My mom obviously does not and will not leave her husband on Thanksgiving night, and I agree with her. Now she's faced with telling her mom that she won't come over on Thanksgiving, because she refuses to be with my dad, and she called me crying the other night because she says it makes her feel like a shitty daughter.
At this point, I don't know what to do. It's taking its toll on me because it kills me that my mom is the one who has to deal with this. My grandma is making my mom choose between her mom and her husband, and I think that is despicable. All of the siblings agree with her that we should spend thanksgiving night with each other, and then go visit my grandma on Friday, but we know that's not going to go over well with her.
For those who stuck through the tl;dr, what do I do? How should I approach this, given that my mom is frequently coming to me distraught/needing advice? It is an uncomfortable situation for me to be in, as it's usually me who's the one going to her. It seems like my grandma's behavior only going to get worse, and I have a feeling my she will never speak to my dad, her son-in-law, again.
They lived in Pittsburgh for all of their lives, and only recently (2012) moved to the same city as my parents (I was long out of my parents' house by then) due to my grandpa's health issues. Within months of settling in, my grandma developed lung cancer. She got very weak from chemo/radiation and the removal of half of one of her lungs, and is just now starting to recover fully.
This unfortunately has created some tension between my mom and my grandma. I was unaware of this, but my grandma and my mom have an extraordinarily tumultuous relationship. My grandma was verbally abusive to my mother growing up and continues to be to this day. She also has severe mental problems that have gone unaddressed for a very long time. As a result, my mom has mental health issues of her own: severe depression and anxiety. My mom did a very good job of shielding this other side of my grandmother from her children for a very long time.
It is only recently that my grandmother's mental health has become evident to me and my siblings, most of which comes as a result of my grandparents' move to be closer to our family. She lashes out at my mother in our presence, and puts her in impossible and unfair situations.
One of those situations came, unfortunately, at mother's day this past year. I was at my parents' house for the weekend to celebrate, and my grandparents came over for dinner on that Sunday as well. Everything was fine and we were enjoying ourselves. My parents got a new puppy recently, so there was much happiness (and drinking) to go around.
My grandmother is also an alcoholic and got pretty drunk (off two glasses of wine, mind you) that night. My grandpa can't drive any more, so she was always the one who was going to have to drive home. My dad refused (and I think correctly) to let her drive home, and offered to drive them home, as they only live about 10 minutes away from my parents. That did not go over well with my grandma. She lashed out, one of the worst I've seen. My dad ended up calling her an alcoholic, and my grandma has been unable to forgive him ever since. She refuses to be in my dad's presence anymore. She is extremely skilled at holding grudges.
I'm the oldest of my siblings, and I'm closest to my mom, so she frequently calls me now for advice. She sees her parents every day to help out with groceries, medications, and miscellaneous matters around the house, and it's gotten to the point now where she dreads it, because of the abuse she frequently takes when she goes over there.
Recently my grandma told my mom that "she and the kids" can come over on Thanksgiving. No mention of my dad, and it's because of Mother's day still. My mom obviously does not and will not leave her husband on Thanksgiving night, and I agree with her. Now she's faced with telling her mom that she won't come over on Thanksgiving, because she refuses to be with my dad, and she called me crying the other night because she says it makes her feel like a shitty daughter.
At this point, I don't know what to do. It's taking its toll on me because it kills me that my mom is the one who has to deal with this. My grandma is making my mom choose between her mom and her husband, and I think that is despicable. All of the siblings agree with her that we should spend thanksgiving night with each other, and then go visit my grandma on Friday, but we know that's not going to go over well with her.
For those who stuck through the tl;dr, what do I do? How should I approach this, given that my mom is frequently coming to me distraught/needing advice? It is an uncomfortable situation for me to be in, as it's usually me who's the one going to her. It seems like my grandma's behavior only going to get worse, and I have a feeling my she will never speak to my dad, her son-in-law, again.
Family Drama